Putting a name to a fear

Wow, 29 years into it, and I've finally put a name to an experience I sometimes face when drifting off to sleep - night terrors.

This is an experience that I've tried to explain to so many people but no one else has ever seemed to have this problem, and I always thought I was the only one. It's very different from a nightmare where there are scary situation when you're fully asleep, but more like an emotion that creeps over you as you're about to fall asleep.

I used to go through this quite often as a child, where I would be on the cusp of losing consciousness when I would have this incredibly strong feeling of well, terror. All that I knew was that if I stopped struggling to wake up I would die, sucked into a blackness if I let go. No context or dreams around this, awake enough to know I was lying in bed. The terror was bad, but worse was knowing that I couldn't easily wake myself up. Half-awake but paralysed, fighting and fighting just to twitch a finger just to break myself from the grip of this feeling. Trying to scream or gasp but no sound would come. Usually, I'd be trapped for several minutes in this state and then I'd finally wake with a huge rush of relief. You don't know how scared you become of trying falling asleep again after an experience like that.

Nowadays, it doesn't happen as often anymore but here and there I can sense it coming and that's when I'll get out of bed and try to shake myself out of that place so I can try to fall asleep again. If I don't get up and do this, and sometimes even if I do, it'll just suck me under again over and over.

Interestingly I always thought night terrors was the kind of thing that meant you would be sleepwalking all over the place, so I never really looked up the term. But today I read a blog that mentioned a familiar experience, and bam, now I know. And, I guess that's it, there's no real cause or cure, and I've learned to deal with it by now, but it's good to know that well it wasn't just me, yknow?

Does any of this sound familiar to any of you?

For Posterity

Three reasons I'm no good on camera:

1. My hair is frizzy

2. My head is rather fat as it doesn't fit behind my palm as is the rule (for appearing properly on camera) according to Josephine :)

3. I'm definitely not as articulate as I think I am.

All the same, I'm just going to link this inteview here, so that perhaps one day I may look back and think I've improved on #3.

http://www.telecomtv.com/groupdetail_videoDetail.aspx?v=3666&id=fdb0411d-a355-4e94-9a0f-bf7954bb0a4e#

The segments starts around 6:09, and I'm on around 7:40

Youtubed cut of just my section: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RadmqLkDOjE

Roller Coaster Weekend

Ugh, this past weekend has been so full of ups and downs that I don't even know where to begin. It went a little like this:

Downside: The original flight I was planning to book home was full, so no cheap tix for procrastinatey me

Upside: After being resigned to paying a full month's salary just for a stupid flight, I did find a connection for slightly cheaper

Downside: I'd have to book two legs of the journey separately, so I hoped one wouldn't fill up after paying for the other

Upside: United allowed me to create and "hold" an intinerary, so this problem was licked!

Downside: After paying for the other leg first (non-refundable), got stuck on the United site when it wouldn't allow me to pay through a non-American credit card, doh!

Upside: I can try to book it through Travelocity instead, they definitely take international credit cards

Downside: In the ten minutes I spent on the United site, the price on Travelocity has now jumped by US$200/ticket. Damn.

Upside: I trawl United.com again and find they have a phone number that I can call in and pay

Downside: I get an automated customer service, the kind where I have to repeat myself 5x verbally just to get the confirmation number acknowledged on the system

Upside: The credit card seems to be going through

Downside: I get caught when inputting the zip code...only 5 digits dang it!

Upside: I get transferred through to a live person finally (!) who tells me I can take the itinerary to any travel agent and they'll process it, phew!

Downside: I have to spend saturday morning schlepping to the United office to buy the tix, and now I'll have to pay an extra processing fee to get a real ticket issued

Upside: The woman at United processed it all, and we didn't even have to pay the extra fee, yay!

The End.

Well mostly the end, there was all sorts of other drama over the weekend, but it's probably best to leave out of a blog. I capped it off with climbing on Sunday on the lead wall, and that was so stressful since I haven't led in ages. I actually did far better on my first climb than the second, because lead climbing is not so much about strength as it is about mental confidence. On my first, I was stupidly didn't think about the risks and thus performed much better, but psyched myself out on the second attempt by overthinking. I guess I need more practice. All in all, I didn't have a relaxing weekend, but I'm 100x more relaxed now that I have my tickets home booked.

Such a shame to let this blog die, but what much do I have to say lately...

Low Crime Doesn't Mean No Crime

I think I must have an aura about me, but I'm not sure what it is exactly. The other day I was sitting at the bus stop on my ownsome, minding my business on the BlackBerry, when a cleancut Chinese fella stopped his car and came up to me, asking me how to get to the "highway." Being more of a bus than driving person in this country, I told him I didn't know, and in fact there are several highways in Singapore, all leading in various directions. I think my spidey sense started to tingle when he asked me where I was from, if I was holidaying in Singapore, and then offered me a ride to wherever I was going (even though he was purportedly lost, otherwise, why ask for directions?).

I politely but firmly declined more than once, and gave him my best guess of where he ought to go, to get rid of him. He then proceeded to take out his phone in this rather blase manner, and was all like, ok, so what's your number then... I said, no, I don't think I will give it, and he wheedled, "but how will I contact you if I get lost?" I told him that there would sadly be no way of contacting me, but the best o' luck on your travels.

Ick. That just left me feeling all sorts of yuck, and after this guy drove away, another person came up to the bus stop, a big Indian fella, and asked me which bus to take to get where he was going. WTF, twice in five minutes, for realz? This almost has made the best argument for me to consider wearing a wedding ring after all. I do wonder how hot girls must have to deal with this all the time, no wonder they need to have their defenses so high 24/7. Just one simple encounter and I felt like this was just some abduction case waiting to happen.

Literacy is Injuring my Marriage

J always reads before bed, and I used to always feel a little neglected, as it truly is a luxury to spend the last few minutes of consciousness sharing and rehashing your day with the person you care most about. I've taken to picking up a book myself now, in order to not feel left out, but unfortunately (and I think this is a trait that runs in the family), I can't do anything in halves, in this case just read for five minutes and drift off to sleep. Last night (sunday) I picked up a book at 1am, and didn't put it down until oh... 4am. This whole reading in insane bursts through many hours, night or day, is a bad habit which has caused me to have read about 20 novels in the last two months, and I think J is starting to feel neglected himself. I'm addicted, and I think I must practice illiteracy for a while!

An Abundance of Ice in Singapore?

I wouldn't have guessed that it could happen outside of Edmonton, but ice has caused a major problem for me in Singapore. That is to say, our fridge has been misbehaving these last few months, and has been diagnosed as the formation of a substantial iceberg at the back of the freezer, causing the sea levels to rise, flooding our fridge. Three hours were spent on Saturday morning defrosting the freezer, and the rest of Saturday was spent eating the remainders of the fridge. Spring cleaning using the stomach I suppose you could call it.

Home is Where the Heart Is

I've been thinking a lot about home these days, wondering how Connie and Andy are doing with their new babe, wishing I could be there with them/for them. Yesterday I tried booking my ticket home, but the promo prices haven't even been released for August yet, so I'll have to try again next month. I'm trying to think of what I'd like to bring back. I'd love to bring a couple cans of rambutan stuffed with pineapple, but I wonder whether Canada customs would let me though and whether lugging massive cans across three legs of flight and 24 hours of travel would be the wisest of ideas. Regardless, I can't wait till my next visit!

As you can see, nothing of great importance has much been on my mind worthy enough to spin out longer stories, but life is otherwise humming along.

Am I really Lovin it?

I had an incredibly surreal moment at lunch today. Recently a new branch of McDonald's has recently opened up near the office, so I joined a colleague to grab some lunch there today. We were greeted by crowwwwds of people outside. We were all like mmmm okay? Inside, it was even more mayhem, there seemed to be some sort of grand opening event going on. There was a Chinese dude completely dressed up like Ronald McDonald, red wig, full makeup and all, but still looked... asian somehow. There was another dude, white, acting as an announcer, trying to auction off children's toys in the middle of the lunchtime crowd, but getting zero takers. Other staff were acting as greeters, opening the doors for us, or passing around trays of free iced mocha samples.

Like I said, surreal.